Pot smells absolutely horrible and I hate it when I go to social events and someone decides to start smoking pot inside. 52. When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, Compared to what?. Shes ninety-seven now, and we dont know where the hell she is. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. I wouldnt camp out for five days if was camping. Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. ~ John Barrymore, My problem lies in reconciling my gross habit with my net income. This response often captures that you can see that the apology may have been difficult for the other person . ~ Brooke Astor, People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage. Simply type in your list of names then spin the wheel! If your parents never had children, chances are neither will you. ~ Unknown, From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash. ~ Sophie Tucker, Whats your favorite childhood memory? That's so rude You are very lucky. "Sitting there, it is impossible to change your luck. When responding to a compliment, make eye contact, smile, and use open gestures to reinforce your message. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. 30. I Create Functional And Decorative Art On Functional Items That People Can Use Every Day, And Here Are My Newest 23 Works, Hey Pandas, Post Something You Baked Recently, Dad Overhears A Conversation Between His New Wife And His Son, Cancels The Mothers Day Celebration Hed Planned, AITA? 62. When somebody . May 15, 2021 10:45 pm CT. Najee Harris has an incredible personality. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? You can eat 32,000-year-old honey. ~ Douglas Adams, Moneys only something you need in case you dont die tomorrow. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Theres no point in being a damn fool about it. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. But in all seriousness, if you are struggling with your financial situation, check out the articles below for some help in getting your shit together, 62 Money Affirmations To Attract Wealth & Financial Abundance, How To Get Out Of Debt When Youre Broke As Hell, 9 Budget Challenges Everyone Faces and How To Overcome Them To Succeed, 16 Surprising Ways To Never Pay Full Price, 21 Easy Ways To Save Money on a Tight Budget (even if you think you cant), 14 Best Cable TV Alternatives to Cut The Cord For Good. Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law. ~ Woody Allen, Men are like bank accounts. Call a drug store and ask them which laxative is the most effective. We wont spam you. 67. Don't message her first except to set up a date. I hated you the moment I met you, and I still hate you. Two out of 3 people will be involved in a drunk-driving accident in their lifetime, according to MADD. Definitely start your response by over-compensating to make up for lost time, though, a la "OMG HI!!!! 33 very creative insults to intellectually insult someone with your sarcasm, How to be a fun texter and make anyone laugh while reading your texts. Please enter your email to complete registration. Given the stats on becoming a billionaire or winning the lotto, which we cover later, this is pretty good news. Youve got to be very careful if you dont know where you are going, because you might not get there. BILL! ~ P. J. ORourke, Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. 36. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Then by all means follow that path. All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you dont have the money to buy both. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. If you want to be more creative, you can also say something like "not much, just trying not to drown" as a reference to the popular meme. Good luck trying to break this spell, because I know this is for life! He wont expect it back. Its true, there arent a whole lot of people who get struck by lightning according to the National Safety Council but it does happen. I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. The person who told you to be yourself gave you some bad advice. We hope our collection of funny quotes from comedians, celebrities, and philosophers made you laugh out loud and gives you the cheer you need to get through the day. Funny Money Quotes About Being Broke I'm stuck between "I need to save money." and "You only live once." ~ Anonymous Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money ~ Anonymous I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. Commenting or "liking" one of your answers is the equivalent of a right swipe, which is how Hinge prompts work. Im jealous of people who dont know you. Youre a ground-hugger. [Read: How to have playful banter and keep the flirting alive forever]. Your secrets are always safe with me. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. ~ Henny Youngman, There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. I intend to live forever. Error occurred when generating embed. ~ Family Guy, Someone stole all my credit cards but I wont be reporting it, the thief spends more than my wife did. Improving your finances doesn't need to be a huge undertaking. Fortunately, I love money. You don't need to be a stand-up comedian, just be as original as possible. (Closed), Artist 'Invades' Major Capitals Around The World With Fluffy And Flossy Pink Drapes And The Result Is Adorable (56 Pics), Frozen In Time: I Explored The Largest Abandoned Amusement Park In Cyprus (16 Pics), My Sister And I Create Unique Pieces Of Wearable Art With Polymer Clay, And Here Are Our Best 70 Works, My 50 Vases And Other Handmade Contemporary Pieces With A Human Face, Hey Pandas, What's The Worst Rule You've Seen Someone Actually Try To Enforce? Chance #4: One day. 44. A camel is a horse designed by a committee. According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. 60. We've collected 14 examples of funny online dating messages that tickle the funny bone and make a good impression. Did someone leave your cage open? Then I want to move in with them. Let's punish averyone for the one guy that messed up? ~ Bob Hope, I rob banks because thats where the money is. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. #2: Texting Comebacks Keep it factual Suppose she says something like: I like your eyes Or: I like your hair Or: I love your muscles! - Terry Murphy. After. I said, thyroid problem? I live about four muggings from Central Park. 61. People often say that motivation doesnt last. People who do shit like this are disgusting. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. 67. ~ Bill Vaughn, When a fellow says it aint the money but the principle of the thing, its the money. One way is to simply respond with a humorous quip of your own. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. This might've been the best response in the bunch, if you ask me. You look tired. No? But chances are, inevitably a . All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Hopefully, youll stay there. Leaving you with one last funny quote about work, "If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter." ~ John Gotti. Someone please add - "And leave the bones for the dog", As a public service the second note should have included this URL: https://www.boredpanda.com/multi-level-marketing-pyramid-scheme-explained/. Youre actually much more likely to die as a result of coming into contact with hornets, wasps or bees (1 in 54,093) than even being bitten by a shark according to the National Safety Council. Its a recession when your neighbor loses his job; its a depression when you lose yours. Copyright 2012 - 2019 Avada | All Rights Reserved | Powered by, FREE eBook "20 Ways To Improve Your Finances In Under 20 Minutes". Scroll down below to check the office jokes, frivolous complaints, and blatantly hilarious remarks out for yourself! 29. You just live. ~ Spike Milligan, Money cant buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins. I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! It's a win-win. An electric dog polisher. ~ Sam Ewing, It doesnt matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up. ~ Anonymous, If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account. 87. Or, if you have previously met, try something like "Reconnecting after [e.g. Come to think of it, your face is old, too. Fortunately, I love money. But, you can always change the machine you are at!". I think he was right. www.wheelofnames.com 3. Thats a pretty alarming statistic from the National Safety Council, right? ~ Robin Williams, Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women and the other ten percent I wasted. I never even listen when you tell me them. ~ George Bernard Shaw, I am not worried about the deficit. ~ Aristotle Onassis, Its money, I remember it from when I was single. Dont get caught with nothing to say. 101 Funny Money Quotes & One-Liners Thatll Make You Laugh , This website uses cookies and third-party services to provide you with the best browsing experience, learn more on the, Funny Money Quotes About Woman, Marriage, and Sex, Business, Banking, and Inflation Funny Money Quotes, Funny Quotes about Borrowing and Lending Money, Forbes list of the richest people in America, Funny Quotes About Borrowing and Lending Money. 100. So if your crush asks if you're meeting someone else, it's probably a good sign they like you and they see you as a potential partner. The engineer replies "After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely." Ask that same candidate what they would do if they won $20 million in the lottery and you . You are about as interesting as a documentary on dirt. Id sue my parents if I had a face like yours. ~ Katharine Hepburn, Ah, yes, divorce A Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet. They say marriages are made in Heaven. The first is your memory goes, and I cant remember the other two. Someone who surfs everyday has a greater likelihood of being attacked by a shark than someone who never goes into the water, for instance. He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything that clearly points to a political career. So far, so good. Love is. Education is learning what you didnt even know you didnt know. The best way to express interest without breaking social rules is to maintain eye contact when responding to a compliment. Essentially, it can mean "Do you really think it will happen?" or "Don't you think it will happen?" Echo7 Senior Member Persian Feb 3, 2010 #5 ~ Martin Sheen, A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Grab your FREE eBook Today!! 51. A smile is a facelift thats in everyones price range! BILL! Heres to our wives and girlfriends may they never meet! Did you know that in 1963, major league baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry was quoted as saying "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run.". A lot of people say that it's capitalism for us and socialism for Corps. Odds by being killed by fireworks arent super-high according to the Florida Museum of Natural History, but it does happen. 58. Does the new one work any better? 100 Funny Pick Up Lines for 2021 1). ~ Jay Leno, They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it. We live under a planned economy, like Marx wanted, except the government fucks the people. People throw out random statements like that all the time, preaching them as truth. Infinite power just isn't very interesting, no matter what game you're playing. ~ Anonymous, The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives. All you have to do is save this page, or commit to memory some of our favorite insults from the following list, and youll be all set. ~ Earl Wilson, A man in love is like a clipped coupon its time to cash in. ~ Rodney Dangerfield, I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. Stop the conversation if you are not interested in talking to . ~ William Somerset Maugham, Dogs have no money. Maybe I've had people abuse my trust too many times. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less. ~ George Gobel, Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. I see that the spell has not yet been broken. ~ Katharine Whitehorn, I made money the old-fashioned way. I know youre nobodys fool, but maybe youll be adopted someday. When I eventually met Mr. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Always borrow money from a pessimist. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States. Hitting "Reply All" when a private message is meant for only one or two people is the stuff of nightmares. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February. If I find myself hesitating to grant a favor, I don't do it. James Hauenstein. Paging Agent Cody Banks. 93. The vending machines strike again! If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. 8. In recruiting emails to candidates, opt for clear, attractive phrases. It's so beautifully sarcastic. ~ Tim Ferriss, Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? bossed it, as I was reading the 16 year old's note I was thinking shes going to wish she didn't do that Because the old one went Kraang and stopped working Open coffee can, get a fistful, shove it down your throat and drink warm water. When the note is a passive-aggressive complaint about something petty, the urge to give an appropriately hilarious response or make an office prank out of it must be downright irresistible! I'm just happy that you can construct sensible sentences now. Get the very best of LovePanky straight to your inbox! My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that Im right. Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the dogs owner and the distance you are from your car. It's usually three or more times.". Don Marquis "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." - A. When I first saw you, I fell in love. Sarcastic comebacks come in handy any time someone is behaving in a particularly annoying way. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal. Scientists say the universe is made up of electrons, protons, and neutrons. I . Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway. It's sassy and funny. 35. They're very big in sports gambling. 41. Its a shame you cant Photoshop your personality. How do you get it to curl out of your nostrils like that? I change the toilet roll comically, does that still make me wrong? I always yawn when Im interested. Never have more children than you have car windows. "OMG stop. My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. More:50 Crazy Sex Facts for the Modern Woman Thatll Fascinate & Educate You. Never follow anyone elses path. 92. Dont mean to put a damper on your dreams, but yikes. Age is just a number. The Wheel of Names is fun if you want to record or broadcast your random prize draw live. ~ Mark Twain, The Best Way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream. 20. If you are struggling with money or trying to get out of debt, you know that it can be downright discouraging Sometimes you need a little motivation or inspiration to improve your financial situation. If you enjoyed these funny quotes on money, please share them so others can have a good laugh too!! I hope no one is sick or this gonna be a real mess. Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. If youre too open-minded; your brains will fall out. 45. Some of these are clearly assholes being assholish. ~ Anonymous, Who is rich? Don't worry, I wasn't offended. Check out these random odds after the jump. Hey Pandas, What Is Something You Did As A Kid And Now Realize How Much Of A Dumb Child You Were. 1. Inside me theres a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. 1. ~ Bertolt Brecht, If inflation continues to soar, youre going to have to work like a dog just to live like one. 11 Cringeworthy 'Reply-All' Email Disasters. By Dylan Magner. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. Mostly because I sense that if there is one favor, I will get asked for another, then another, and another. What is that kind of punishment??? Its always funny until someone gets hurt. Not paying bills. ~ Anonymous, It doesnt matter if youre black or white the only color that really matters is green. Start writing! Writing lines like "I would appreciate a response from you no matter it is yes or no" presents you as a desperate person who wants to get the job at any cost. ~ George Carlin, Im so poor I cant pay attention. ~ Mae West, A successful man is one who makes more than his wife can spend. Oh, a thought crossed your mind? Keep in mind, though, your odds are zero if you dont try. . "I appreciate your apology.". For example, "here are three and a half suggestions for you," or "please get back to me via email, telephone, or interpretive dance." Be quotable. Some activities may not be possible during some seasons. You can put your foot in your mouth and your head up your ass at the same time! According to London Vision Clinic, if you choose a good surgeon your chances of going blind are extremely slim. 6. Random Odds are. BILL! ~ Anonymous, Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.~ Mae West, Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month, others just go over them. Quincy holds an MBA from the University of Dundee and an MSc from the University of Edinburgh, and lives in San Antonio with his wife Natalie, son Alex, and his dog Oban. Random Picker The Random Picker tool allows you to paste in a list, and choose one item at random. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. 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This way, youre insulting themand they just might be dumb enough not to notice. Go home. Hey, whered you get that nose? ~ Peg Bracken, What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 43. Cat parts. hmm.. This submission is hidden. Im one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood. Theres only one problem with your face: I can see it. In fact, it's a powerful tool. Im sorry I hurt your feelings. Hey Pandas, What Is Your Favorite Conspiracy Theory? ~ Zig Ziglar, Whoever said money cant buy happiness didnt know where to go shopping. Hold hands with the person next to you. ~ Will Rogers, Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. More:23 Actors You Didnt Even Know Were British. 48. This wasnt for any religious reasons. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. 14. After all, they do it for a living! I can't stop laughing! Your account is not active. To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. You are living proof that manure can learn to walk and talk. God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. Education comes first and he's a prolific writer. These humorous observation quotes are a great way to reflect and add some levity to daily situations. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. ~ Jackie Mason, October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. What could go wrong? Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. Bumble Prompt Responses Examples for Guys. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Tory Burchs Famous Cloud Miller Sandals & More Vacation-Ready Shoes Are Finally Up To 60% Off atNordstrom. Um, yeah, according to research done by Canadian structural engineer Michael Ross, youre gonna have to eat a whole lotta Mickey Ds to win that money. No, keep talking. I want to take part in this game and make it a hell lot messier! 8. Now you can be! Got me a $300 pair of socks. Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. 43. Here are some of his best, and most hilarious, lines from the show. I had plastic surgery last week I cut up my credit cards. Nasty comebacks dont require a lot of wit; instead, these will land your target flat on their back and wallowing in self pity. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. Food thieves are worst, Still the last one is funny! Some people may have thyroid problems, but I can tell youre fat because youre lazy. A woman is like a tea bag you cant tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. There were never complains that something is missing. Youre more likely to die driving to work than to be eaten by a shark! Were willing to bet youve heard this, like, a million times right? I thought you already knew you were a sociopath. The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. I even got asked, why dont you put your lunch in the fridge anymore? I dont believe in astrology; Im a Sagittarius and were skeptical. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. Especially when your parents have done it for you. Weve got you covered with a huge list of funny quotes to make you laugh out loud. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron? 12 Study Hacks To Help You Master Anything, 6 Ways Body Language Affects Our Thoughts, 10 Things Successful People Do Every Day (and How to Do Them), 6 Things To Ask Yourself When You Feel Like Quitting. 3. 1. 7. A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. I dont know how you do it, but after a shower, you look even greasier. My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Id love to insult you, but you probably wouldnt understand. An alcoholic is someone you dont like who drinks as much as you do. All Rights Reserved. Shark attacks get all kinds of media attention, but turns out they hardly ever happen according to the International Shark Attack File. Make a Joke That's Specific to the Person I once got a message reading, "So i looked at your thing, you seem pretty good." Which didn't exactly sweep me off my feet. One in 36? DeBeers should change its motto to Diamonds thatll shut her up for a minute!.